positive surroundings.

ups and downs and back to texas....

Its been, I'd say, about 3 months since I've last blogged. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few months. Up and down in emotion and weight....I'd have to say one of my lowest points was having to say goodbye to my husband while he deployed yet another time to war territory and I packed up and headed home.

Yet out of the sadness came some positivity. As I began to pack my clothes to leave, I began to notice how sentimental I was over some of the pieces of clothing I owned. However, as I looked closer, I also noticed one huge mistake I had made. I never got rid of my fat clothes. For some reason I clung to that stuff for dear life. I mean don't get me wrong I am in no way skinny but my fat clothes was huge in every way!

It took me back to earlier this year when I was visiting home and my brother had referred to my summer dresses as moomoos. So instead of holding tight I began to purge. I goodwilled every single huge dress, sweater, top, and pant I owned. After all, you CAN'T move forward if you don't let go of your past.

So fast forward to today. I'm back in Texas and all the clothimg I own fits in one suitcase and three banker boxes. It feels great to know that I was able to walk away from that.

I've got a long way to go and every day I discover something new about myself. I'm trying to view my setbacks not as failures but as lessons to be learned. No one in this world is perfect and life's not about being skinny. Its about living a healthy quality of life and loving yourself. We all have it in us to finish our journeys. Stick to it and don't feel Like your any less important then someone else. Happy workouts to all!

forgiveness...

If you keep up with me you'll know that my weight loss journey has been stagnant for the past month and a half. I am finding my motivation again in the midst of everything I have going on in my life.

As I was searching for some motivational quotes the other day I came across one that really impacted my thoughts. Its written by a motivational speaker named Wayne Dyer. It says "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done. Its always your choice."

It really made me think about my own situation. This quote said so many things to me. I was able to connect it in the manner that so much of my own misery comes from the fact that I can't forgive myself.

Starting from a young age we are taught that ideal beauty comes from being stick skinny. We spend all of our time trying to measure up to this standard. When ideally we should have been taught that ideal beauty comes with a healthy self image.

All my life I was never good enough because I wasn't small like the other girls. I was fat and who could love a fat girl? I find this idea haunts me to the day. Its a constant struggle to fight the idea.

However when I feel like I don't have the strength to battle these thoughts, I am the least forgiving with myself. I don't know how to be ok with not achieving the goal I was to meet for the day whether it be my eating or my working out. This in turn leads to my lack of motivation and hence misery.

So, as I am starting to get my thoughts in order again so that i may have the motivatin to hit the gym hard, I realize I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not being good enough, strong enough, skinny enough, beautiful enough, normal enough and so on.

Its ok to forgive myself. In order to unload this weight I need to unload all the emotional weight I've been carrying around. That has by far outweighed any physical weight I've ever carried. So now is a good time as any to begin to tell myself "I forgive you." I hope that you all can find it in yourselves to do the same.

Happy workouts to all...

39 days to a more positive me...

I'm back after a brief leave of absence. Its like when I feel like I've lost all motivation it finds me in my darkest hour. Ironically it all started with a Facebook post.

My friend commented how she was giving up Facebook for lent. My rude ego thought, "what is the sacrifice in giving up Facebook?" Me and my friend even had a conversation about it and she explained. Then it dawned on me. Who am I to judge? Lent isn't even a part of my religion.

So its been decided. In support of my friend and our friendship I will make a sacrifice. I find that in life you have to always have a positive outlook. Not a day passes when I don't have a negative thought towards myself. It sounds rather trivial but in support of my friend I will make a conscious effort to be positive.

Its my first official day of positivity and I must say it feels good to be ok with yesterday's mistakes. Every time I feel those negative thoughts creeping up on me I say something positive.

I know that eventually I will finish my weight-loss journey. Even though I may have bad days I will use these next 39 days to build a new habit; positivism. Positivism will be coming where ever I go including the gym. Positivism will have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks with me. I hope to find that by Easter I wont have to consciously carry it with me and I will be able to say I am a positive person.

"Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours"--Swedish Proverb
Happy workouts to all!!

making an appearance...

So finally after a few weeks I'm making an appearance. I have no excuses. As you know I was struggling for a bit. But I've managed to begin to over come my insecurities. Quite frankly though I was tired of hearing myself ramble about my weight.

I feel like I've lost sight of why I began this journey. It wasn't to look good or to attempt a 5k or a triathlon...none of it. Its about my health. It was about not having to huff and puff just to go up the stairs and being able to stand for more then ten minutes at a time.

I have a long way to go. It is not only human nature but also scientific theory that when people make a change in their lives they will almost definitely relapse. I have relapsed in my eating habits. I'm completely aware of it and I know that I need to go back to the basics of eating fresh, non-processed foods.

We all have triggers. Part of recovering from relapse is being aware that certain things whether it be stress, anger or bad day at work, we will all have something that triggers negativity. For me its a combination of things. My husband is coming up on his next deployment. Just the thought of him having to go back into a war zone again evokes so much emotion that I feel like just walking away from the world and hiding under my bed.

If you've never been overweight you can't understand how much emotion each pound of weight carries. I can't say that enough. However, I feel like there comes a time where I CANT be a victim any longer. I'm not a victim of my weight anymore. I will not allow a lapse in judgment to hinder me from accomplishing my goal. At the end of the day the excuses have to stop. Behind the excuses we make conscientious choices to either nourish and take care of our bodies or continue on our path of destruction.

I believe in me and you. No one said this journey would be easy. Although at times it seems I want to quit, I will battle this til the end. Happy workouts to all!!

just do it anyway...

I have to admit I've been in a rut for a while. Its so hard to come from taking a break to getting my butt back in gear. Today I went to the gym alone. I really didn't want to go. Lol. I just wanted to stay in with my husband and watch TV. Eventually though I put my shoes on and headed to the gym.
As always, when I got there and started my workout I felt great. I even started my bike training in addition to my usual cardio. I know that the feelings of laziness will subside.
This is definitely a crucial time for me as in the past when I have started to feel this way I would usually just quit and take a so-called break. Not this time.
Every inch of me wants me to quit but I've come so far! Sometimes you just have to do it anyway. As Winston Churchill said, "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER QUIT!" I can't stop believing in me and I hope you wont stop believing in you! Happy workouts to all!

dealing with feelings of incompetency...

As you know I took a holiday break for ten days. I'm sure during the course of the ten days I probably gained a couple of pounds. Anyhow, I got back on the horse and continued on with my workouts.

So here I am dealing with all these feelings of incompetency. I'm at the same weight I was at before the break but I feel like I've failed myself. The story of my life lol. Even though I've worked hard to change my eating and exercising habits, the mental part of losing weight is always the hardest. If I can't change my mentality then how can I expect to maintain the weight loss?

I'm learning to cope with it everyday. My husband is super supportive. I've been re-reading some of my fitness books and came across something that I always forget. Even if you're sucking with your workout or you didn't lose weight that week or whatever the negative happens to be, remember how far you've come.

I couldn't walk a flight of stairs without being out of breath. After Christmas, I spent a whole day at a huge mall walking from store to store and was elated because I could go up and down the stairs and not be exhausted. I bought a swimsuit last summer that was on sale and didn't want to try it on at the store because I was embarrassed and in denial of my size. When I got home that day I tried it on and was so upset because I could hardly even squeeze into it. I tried the swimsuit on two days ago and it fit.

So at the end of the day my battle with negativity is not over. However, I'm slowly beginning to appreciate my accomplishments without over analyzing every single detail. I may have a long way to go but the glass is half full NOT half empty. Happy workouts to all!